My Cane and I

A long time ago wobbliness entered my life. I noticed I steadied myself with a hand on a wall or rail when I walked along. I noticed I always had to have a shopping cart to hold onto in any store. I noticed I wibble wobbled when I walked across parking lots. I noticed people sometimes looked at me funny, like I might have had one too many as I maneuvered myself into or out of stores, restaurants, houses, work, bathrooms.

I noticed I fell -- more than once.

The doctor told me to get a cane. Yeah, yeah, okay. 

But did I?

The doctor gave me a prescription to get a cane. Yeah, yeah, okay. 

But did I? 

Wobbliness became worse, I steadied myself more and more, but did I get a cane? Yeah, yeah, okay, someday.

I fell again. Hum, maybe I had better look into that cane idea.

I fell again. Okay, okay, I get it! I'll get a cane as soon as I can figure out the logistics -- you know -- how was I going to carry my purse, a lunch, an umbrella, and a cigarette while walking up the hill to work in the rain. The logistics stumped me. 

I fell again. 

Oh, the logistics that can be solved.

Hello cane, nice to meet you. 

You can tempt fate only so many times.

Sometimes don't you just want to laugh? Laugh at our foibles, our vanities, our stupidities, our stubbornness. Humans, now that's entertainment. 

We worry when we should be enjoying. We leave when we should be staying. We run when we should be walking. We walk when we should be running. We love when we shouldn't. We cry when we shouldn't. Sometimes we laugh when we shouldn't. And still somehow we manage to muddle through this thing called life. You just gotta laugh. 

Oh the messes I have made and the fates I have tempted, and yet, here I am, ready to live another day. Ready to face winter, work, friends, family, Black Friday, Cyber Monday, sons teasing, driving on the interstate, and a lively growing grandson. Ready to face all the uncertainties, risks, problems, failures, wobbliness, and all the other dangers inherent in aging, living, surviving. I'm believing I will see you all at Greenleaf in 2016. I believe in living for today and trusting tomorrow will be there. I got plans. And if it isn't, if this is the end of this journey, so be it, Life is a gift, not a given. 

And I have a cane to steady me on my way.

I survived this Thanksgiving dinner with only two burns and one cut finger. When life gives you bones, throw them in a pot and make something wonderful.

It Was a Dark and Stormy Night

It was a dark and stormy night. The wind howled down the Juan de Fuca Strait battering and rattling my back window till I thought it would cave under the assault. The lights flickered and flickered all day -- then with the night --  they went out.

Pitch black darkness engulfed.

Sitting in the dark with only myself is humbling. Yes, I had candles, yes, I had flashlights, but I blew out the candles and turned off the flashlights and let myself slip into the darkness and the silence. I loved the exquisite eeriness of the black surround. A lovely gift to myself.

Dim moonlight whispered in the window, otherwise there were no lights. No lights up or down the Speedway except for an occasional car looking all lost in the dark. No porch light, no neighbors light, only darkness and storm.

Sitting in the dark with only myself I tasted a minutiae of primitive man. How comforting a weak flickering light reflected on a cave wall must have felt. How comforting a breathing being next to you must have felt. Ian was out for the evening with business obligations so I was alone with my thoughts.

The darkness remained for hours. Two hours became four. The dark and stormy night stretched on. Four hours became all night. I occasionally used the flashlight, but mostly I sat in the dark and appreciated it. Felt it. I wandered in my mind from primitive man to modern man.

If we were all suddenly cast into darkness would we lean on our fellowman. I wondered about tribalism, now causing death and chaos in many places in the world. We are so isolated from our neighbor, our fellow human beings, with all of our modern advances we don't seem to need our neighbor for sustenance or comfort.

We don't need to share light.

As I went to bed I left a soft candle glowing on the counter to guide Ian in when he came home. The lighted candle in the window had a whole new, revelatory, absolute, concrete meaning. It became the powerful symbol I have read about.

A candle left burning in the window to welcome a loved one home from the dark to the hearth.

It was a dark and stormy night and I sat in the dark alone with thoughts too deep for understanding, just feeling.

The dark and stormy night passed as they are wont to do. I awoke to brilliant sunshine and spectacular snow capped Cascade Mountains. A modern woman once more with life at the push of a button. No more mysterious mind excursions. I was back. No longer reliant on my thoughts, my musings faded with the light.

No longer alone with myself. Yet very much so.

Little News and Dragons

No big news around here, lots of little.

I have worried so much about Jean falling, and Cathy and Julia and Jane falling that I forgot to take care of my own feet.

As they say "The fall wasn't bad, it was the landing that hurt."

Yep, went kersplat. Yep, right out front on the condo entry. Yep, Ian was with me. Yep, he helped me up, helped me inside, helped me get pain medicine, heating pad, feet up, and then went back outside to clean up the mess. We came in with him carrying groceries and me carrying restaurant leftovers, drinks and the books from the library. Yep, restaurant leftovers do make a splatty mess on the walkway. Yep, Ian is amazing.

My second fall in two months. Never, never, never again, NEVER. Although to be fair neither time was it my own personal bio-mechanics that failed. The first fall at Flathead Lake was due to an out of balance picnic table and down I went flat on my back. The only thing really hurt was my pride.

This recent fall was due to the adorable new shoes that I had won at work and the wet slippery walkway. Walkways due tend to get slippery after 37 hours of non-stop rain. My cute new shoe slid right out from under me and down I went. And when I go down a lot of mass is on the move. Splat, right flat on my back. No twisting, turning contortions, just a mighty SPLAT.

Nothing was broke, no one part of my body was particularly severely damaged, but I hurt from my head to my ankles. No broken leg, hip, shoulder, or arm, thankfully, and I am always grateful for those miracles, but my body was rattled. Everything was hurt. I'm still shaking and aching and afraid to walk outside. I landed flat on my back and my knee is killing me, figure that one out. My neck hurts, my head hurts, my arms and shoulders hurt, my pride hurts, and yes, my back hurts. I'm hoping a week off work will cure everything. I was freaking lucky with these two falls, and don't I know it, that I'm never going to fall again. Done. Been there done that. Finis.

Hum, adorable new shoes and slippery walkway, hum, I think that is how I also fell out there some years ago. I think only non-slip shoes for me from now on no matter how cute they are -- or become a recluse and never go outside.

Coincidentally, I'm the one teasing Julia about not falling, not hurting herself, not jeopardizing the Costa Rica trip. See if open my big fat mouth anymore. I apologize Julia. And I won't chide Jean or Cathy or Jane anymore. I will look to my own feet.


Or I could blame it on not smoking. I haven't smoked for almost four weeks. Did I ever tell you not smoking is exhausting. Exhausting. So far I'm sleeping my way through it/out of it -- maybe.

I am hopeful.


So, do you ever think about Dragons? How dragons are a part of almost every culture world wide? From India to China to Japan to Europe to South America even to Costa Rica? Quetzalcoatl is much like a dragon. Dragons in myth, stories, lore. All that dragon lore couldn't have spread from Persia, could it?

"There be dragons"

Dragons representing the unknown, the unknowable, the drop off the edge of the Earth, the place no man has gone before. Do dragons derive from lizards, iguanas, crocodiles? How have they become such a large part of mythology? The demon to battle, to save the damsel from, the adversary that needs overcome who is so much more powerful than ourselves. Smaug was eventually defeated.

Ancient cities had the North Gate, the Iron Gate and the Dragon Gate. That was a dragon that guarded something precious, another part of dragon lore. Protecting.

My mind be on dragons, conquering smoking dragons.


And our beautiful fall here in the Pacific Northwest. It hasn't been a spectacular fall like some we have had in the past, but a particularly beautiful one. It has been a soft watercolor kind of fall. Gentle fall reds and yellows, gentle falling leaves, gentle rains. Soft, albeit I guess that is getting ready to change with wind and winter storms approaching. And lots and lots of rain. The rain seems odd after such a long hot dry summer.


And winter brings holidays, lots of fun festive holidays, and glitter. The glitter season is upon us. You can expect glitter now through Christmas. Glitter wafting down from ornaments, bows, tinsel, trees, cards and other miscellany. Get your vacuum fired up. Instead of dragons it is time to battle glitter. Actually it will probably be glitter through January 22nd.


Roger and I were driving to the Fortener's to pick up Connor and Roger drove me past a concrete boat -- sigh -- what I don't know about the world, what I don't know -- sigh -- there it was sitting in an old barn looking somewhat spectacular, if somewhat forlorn. Before the sun went down I had to learn more about concrete boats. Roger had me something to study hours later. Concrete boats have been around for a long time and were quite common. Who knew? Actually it was an inexpensive building material, but not very fuel efficient. Not in fashion anymore. I still hurts the logical portion of my brain. I accept it, but it hurts. And this was before my head hurt from the fall.

Sometimes I am excited by everything.

Sometimes it takes me nine hours to get five hours worth of sleep.

Sometimes the creative play of others is inspirational. I was inspired, delighted, entertained and otherwise captivated by the shenanigans of the Costa Rica wedding. I can't remember the last time I saw so many smiles. Or glasses raised. Or lived so vicariously through the photos of others. Thank you for sharing.

The only thing missing from your litany of activities for the week long adventure in the jungle was archaeological exploring. Did you traipse around any ancient ruins? Trod any ancient byways?

Or play at any art museums?  Learn a local dance? Visit a cultural shrine?

I'm pretty sure you weren't shopping, were you?

Sometimes I wonder if Chris Daley is going to post a family reunion Greenleaf countdown update. That would be bald headed Chris. That would be "Cool Car" Chris. The "Chris" Michael snagged a ride from, or tried to, every time the Challenger moved.

Wedding special is over. Janice is having surgery. Holidays approaching. Cathy and Kenny traveling. As soon as I am brave enough to go outside I'm buying a cane, whether it is bio-mechanics or slippy shoes I am NEVER falling again.

The really sad sad part, I'm embarrassed to say, is I had just spent all my gift certificates on some really really cute shoes. Seven new pair of shoes and the first ones I wore threw me. Tell me life is fair. My friend gets paper cuts regularly not whooshing falls.

I'm ancient and my pretty pretty shoes are like pretty pretty dragons.
Beware "there be dragons there."