Through the Fog and Mist

We will be traveling to reunion soon. I feel I am approaching it through fog and mist. An unknown will unfold before me, a reunion without Jeff. How will we do it? I know we will survive. I know we will get through it. I know there will be tears. I know there will be campfires, conversations, kids, bacon, lots of bacon, and all the other aspects that we all hold dear  -- but no Jeff.

A family reunion in which we will honor Jeff. A fire ceremony, a tree planting ceremony, a bacon fest, and lots high flying flags -- Jeff's last reunion legacy.

We want to honor Jeff by commemoration. We want to honor him by continuation. Continue to fish, continue to gather for coffee on Jean's porch, continue mimosas with Chris and Nora. or at least I hope Chris and Nora feel so inclined.

Ahead is a dimly lit traditional family reunion, it is there, but I'm heading to it through fog and mist. Jeff was such an integral part. He maintained the campfire, wrangled the logs, axes, chairs. He strung lights, baked bread, and relaxed in his chair. He strung the first flag line, kind of like reaching the top of Mt Everest, he planted first the idea and then the reality. He planted that flag line firmly in family tradition. 

Seeing the reunion in my mind's eye without Jeff is almost impossible, but still I will be traveling to it soon, driving down that twisty road to embrace family like I always have -- that won't change. The change will be the missing shade tree, the empty chair, the empty space that was Jeff.

Our reunions have survived the loss of mother, the loss of dad, the loss of James and Josephine, it will survive the loss of Jeff. But this reunion will be heavy with that loss. This reunion will be the fog and mist before we emerge on the other side in a different way. A different family. The same -- yet changed.

I imagine our hearts will break in a million untold ways. Creative Mark is busy with a t shirt design, I'm searching bacon recipes, Jean is planing menus, each and every one of our traditional activities will break our hearts a little bit at a time, yet in the end healing will emerge, also a little bit at a time.

A strong, beautiful, vibrant family will continue to weave itself into the strong fabric of life as our legacy continues in our strong beautiful families, all of our families. My three sons, Jerry's children and grandchildren and great grandgirl, Jean's brood, far flung Janice, Julia's bunch.

The legacy Jeff was most proud of was the legacy of his children and grandchildren. They survive. They are here, alive, vibrant, warm, woven of the strong stuff Jeff passed on to them. His glory.

Jeff did impact us all in such a positive way. That impact transferred and continues on, it doesn't stop with his death. The impact of that goodness, of humor, of joy ripples out continuously. Remember Jeff commanding base camp with the walkie talkies?

A reunion approaches honoring family, tenacity, joy, bacon. Jeff would lead the way for feet propped up, toes dangling off the dock, hikes heading off into the woods, the trek up and down the cabin hill, fire poking, weiner roasting, goodie box grazing.

I'm going to the reunion not knowing what to expect -- except the sun will rise and the sun will set, and all of us trying to be like Jeff. 

A Days Drive

A days drive is like a walk in the park. They (Jerry, Jane, Mark, and Amber) clamored off the cruise ship with their travel engines pumped and headed North to Mukilteo and Patty's Egg Nest. I had to meet them there because there was no room in Jerry's vehicle with four bodies and one-thousand pounds of luggage.

After a luggage drop off and a Jan pick-up...

We hit the ground running. Patty's did not disappoint. The Mukilteo Ferry to Whidbey Island did not disappoint. Seabolt's in Oak Harbor for clam chowder and fish and chips did not disappoint. The drive, scenery, Mt Erie, and Sips Ahoy were equally satisfying. The Sips Ahoy bikini barista was mostly clothed from what I could see, however, Jerry, Mark, and Amber who saw her derriere said she did not disappoint even if she had a little bitty t-shirt on top. She did have beautiful eyes.

Jerry and I were 100% satisfied and yakked the whole way. Amber was about 73% satisfied with the drive through the woods up Whidbey Island, and Mark about 59%. Although they did doze off and on, Amber assured me dozing off and on had nothing to do with how much they drank on their last night on the cruise ship. And Jane in the rumble seat? Well, Jane quietly took it all in.

We arrived back in Mukilteo in time to meet-up with the boys for dinner at Ivar's where the clam chowder and fish and chips did not disappoint...

... and neither did the boys.

I couldn't hear all that was being said because Jerry and I were at one end of the long table yakking, but I could hear laughter, lots of laughter, emanating from the other end. Roger and Christian can talk every bit as much at Mark and Amber. Jane? Well, Jane and Ian sat quietly.

Today the Harris' go home to rescue their dogs, jobs, daughter, and little Miss Elsie, the boys head to work, and Jerry, Jane and I will hit on a perfect exploratory excursion. Woods or ocean? Ocean I think, that is something they don't have in Okie City. And Jane will -- well, you know.


Bertrand Russel:
"Love is wise, hatred is foolish."

Gandhi:
"Truth is God and God is truth."
"Where there is love there is life. Hatred leads to distruction."

All About Jeff

My last blog, months ago, was about Jeff. A more joyous hopeful blog than fills my heart today. We would have liked for Jeff to stick around and see how things worked out. Jeffery William Taylor we loved you.

The family landscape has changed. Like plate tectonics there has been a powerful shift. Our world was rocked, our life altered, our hearts broke. The sun has set on that part of our lives that was shared with Jeff.

I didn't know Jeff's shoe size -- it was big like his heart. We all heard the story of how he was too big to donate his body to science. That's a pretty good indication of how big his heart was.

Or what kind of music he listened to -- his laughter was music to us all.

How did he take his steak? I don't know how he took his steak because he was busy eating bacon not steak.

What was he scared of besides snakes? Not a dang thing.

There is a lot about Jeff that I don't know, but what I do know is how he loved and who he loved. Family, with a special niche for grandchildren. I know he loved relaxed. He loved funny. He loved big.

The main thing you need to know about Jeff  is he was a "Yes" man. Or to be more specific he was a "Yep" man, a "Sure" man. A "SWEET" man. He was always ready for an experience, or an adventure  no matter how big or small. Zoo, a walk in the woods, ride a boat, move some furniture, fix a flat, museum prowling, train riding, trip going, driving, climbing, hiking, camping, coffee, food, party, aquarium. "Let's go to Missouri for a hot dog." Sweet! Let's go sleep with tigers." Sweet!

Stories abound:

Telling Jerry he had no control over a situation. "Just go to the end of your chain and bark."

My new jeans with a rhinestone butterfly on the rear. "That's not a butterfly, that's a b-52 bomber."

After hiking about 15 miles around Greenleaf lake. "I learned anything over 8 miles is a back packing trip."

On not having enough money for retirement. "I'll eat dog food and sit in the dark to retire."

He took me to a local grocery store so I could admire the width and breadth of the parking spaces. Spaces big enough for a 1984 Lincoln Continental, not some puny-ass Prius. Parking spaces big enough for the senior citizen's Cadillac or all the other old luxury cars still residing in Bella Vista. He did have some humor.

Laying a beloved brother to rest was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. Don't ask me why but it was harder than James with the family history of heart disease. Harder than Mother with her fragile health. Harder than Josephine, she being the oldest.

But Jeff? The lively one, the funny one, you young one. How can all that joy and spirit be gone? Not lost, just gone.  How can a life be over and not finished?

If we are going to talk about Jeff there should be a campfire to commend his spirit to Heaven. A BIG campfire.

I was so angry at his funeral -- it wasn't big enough for Jeff. Not enough commemorating his life. Not enough life. He was bigger than that. Jason reminded me the "blow out" will be at Greenleaf.

I imagine it is about all of  us coming through to the other side. The side of life without Jeff. Jeff would have told the stories that would have made us all laugh. Stories full of humor, understanding, and wisdom.

As he told the nurse during one of his doctors visits after he had been diagnosed with a brain tumor and had two years to live. when she said "You'd be fun to know." He answered "If you want to get to know me, you had better hurry."

Life without Jeff will be memory, remembrances, stories, laughter or quiet snickering as we remember a gesture, a smile, a tilt of the head, a story.

Laying to rest one with such a big heart.
Finally Jeff you can go to Greenleaf with just one suitcase.
How do you grieve for a beloved one?
How do you grieve for someone as bright and bold as Jeff?

How many metaphors are there? Which ones will bring comfort? Jeff has left the building. He's in a better place. His spirit is with us always. None of them work.

In the end just "Be like Jeff."