I'll Do It Until God Tells Me Not To

I read the phrase "A Year of Living With Yourself" and asked myself aren't we always living with ourselves? What's this year stuff?

I heard a woman say, after a successful thirty year career, "I really need to take time to focus on my children." Huh? What was she doing all those years before.

How many times have you heard someone say "Now I'm going to live for me."

I don't know about you, but I can't suddenly become someone else, somehow else, a new improved version of me. I've lived with myself, as myself, as far back as my memory goes. Sometimes I cringe at those memories, they weren't always, shall we say, elevated, but they are all mine, not dictated. I've loved myself, hated myself, expressed my joy, my pain, my highs my lows. I've been proud, embarrassed, and sometimes I've whispered close to the sublime.

Being yourself isn't self-centered or selfish, it's all we can be even if we pretend it's not. I can't be you, you can't be me any more than we can be a mountian or a squid, we are our own unique combination of molecules and experiences. We hit the ground at birth and continue on as ourselves in spite of all our self-improvement or theories about self improvement.

Pundits and critics abound with opinions about your life and the way you are living it, but that is all it is, opinions. Opinions don't live in the trenches with us as we hobble through our days and years. Opinions don't live in our DNA. Including this opinion.

Those milestone years, 30, 40, 50, 60, don't know about 70 yet, where people want to own who they are -- is a myth. Sorry, it doesn't work that way. You are all you have ever been. If you know me then you have probably heard me say: I've been young and old, fat and thin, rich and poor, married and single, right and left coaster, sick and healthy, but I have never changed, can't change. I have always been who and what I am, I have always been artsy, liberal, lived on the fringe, and any and all the other adjectives that make up a picture of me. Nothing, nothing, nothing changes who you are. You might be more or less exposed, more or less happy, more or less anything, but the good and bad news is you are always you.

So I will continue to be me until God tells me not to
and punches my lights out.
That is the way it works.


Now on a different note: An Ode to Jerry:

Twas the night after Christmas and all through the house
My bones creaking so loud I woke up the mouse
The cane was close by, close by my chair
I had high hopes of discarding it after the new year
I no longer could snuggle down in my bed
So many pain pills dancing in my head
Off to the doctor I go once again
Jane is beside me my needs to attend
It's a mystery, a puzzle, a quandary to boot
A pain in the back is trouble galoot
Wait and see said the doctor, doctor number three
But for now we need to just let it be
So here I am, doubled over with a cane
My life continues pretty much just the same
The kids had their Christmas in spite of the ice
Jane's and mine also was pretty darn nice
Until this get fixed I'll continue to hobble
Now that Christmas is over and New Year on the 'morrow
It's no fun going to pieces part by part
I just wanted to say that from the bottom of my heart
And is case you are wondering about my mood
I can still say to myself  -- Life Is Good.

May we all keep on living until God punches our light out.
Love, Jan

A Bigger Picture

News flash; Kate Middleton is pregnant.
We had our first slushy snow and then another and maybe one more.
I can now work from home during snow. Two yeahs.
I'm a lazy Christmas shopper -- shoes and t-shrts -- that's about my style.


Ian was offered a good job at an English as a Second Language school as a registrar. It was a long hard thoughtful process, but he finally decided to accept the new position with all of it's challenges and benefits. He really loves Something Silver but felt drawn to the new horizon and opportunities, however when he tendered his resignation to Something Silver (he has worked there for ten years) they, after a long hard thoughtful process created a new position just for him.

After the new year he will merchandise all nine of their stores with a few other obligations thrown in; inventory, buying, and occasionally moving furniture, just like a man-of-the-cave. He is much more excited about the creative direction his life has turned instead of collecting funds and academia. He will have to start traveling to Florida, California, Oregon and of course Washington. He has  many new and some slightly scary activities in front of him -- and a raise.


After four years I finally lost that dern wobbly front tooth. The one the dentist wanted to pull along with all my other front teeth about four years ago, but I resisted. Now I am faced with a decision; do I succumb to vanity or stay practical and cavalier. How much do I want to spend and how much do I care -- for a tooth? A tooth won't make me any smarter dumber, or cuter for that matter, since I have pretty much passed the cute stage anyway. A tooth won't make me younger or stop the world from ending. Aren't I of an age and temperament that I can not give a flip? Yeah, I think so too.


Bo is traveling to Florida to be with friends for two weeks over Christmas holiday. As much as I want her to enjoy and experience the holiday I will sorely miss her not being around -- so we are having a small bon  voyage Christmas get together this Saturday evening. A soup and sandwiches sort of evening.

Connor has discovered the power of "Donalds, Donalds, Donalds.
I want Donalds" mantra.
Cute when it isn't your kid.
All of my Christmas shopping is complete.
All of Connor's Christmas gifts from me crash.
That boy does like a good crash.

My send cards project has been successful for two months.
Only ten months to go.

I watched Collin Firth perform naked in a movie last night, A Single Man, and wondered if Taylor has performed naked yet. Anyone know?

Jerry how are you feeling?
Brittany looks back to normal.
Tal's been fixed.
Nora, do you have a roommate or house guest?
The Taylor Christmas breakfast has come and gone.
Any one thinking of 2013 reunion yet?
Will Amber and Mark make their Valentine trip to Greenleaf?
Ray McLain wants to come to reunion next year.
I tried to book a cabin and they laughed at me.
Jeff says he is only bringing a suitcase, chairs
and a goodie box to reunion next year.
Janice's birthday is just around the corner and I am booked.

May your Christmas encompass all the moments of love and affection that turns a meal and gifts into something bigger...

... and may the crooked path of life lead you to wondrous places.

Kids and Christmas

Christmas comes to us all once a year! My favorite Christmas song by Mahalia Jackson.

Christmas in retail makes you sag just a little, so I'm basking in the glow of kids and Christmas. Kids and Christmas and noisy toys. Of hugs and "I love yous." Of trips to Santa and toy catalogs. Of parties and feasting and joy.

I'm also pondering the sadness of children struggling to breath, fighting cancer, mending from broken bones, homes, hearts. The young ones where Christmas is of secondary concern -- or beyond concern entirely. I'm thinking of all those gifts bought with no longer a child to receive.

Christmas touches those deep places. Deep in our heart where goodness resides. Where faith resides. Where love resides. Where compassion resides. Secular or spiritual Christmas comes to us all once a year. It is a weighty moment in the yearly cycle of our life.

I just watched the movie Jesus of Nazareth by Franco Zeffirelli a powerful retelling of the timeless story. Jesus: uneducated, homeless, unemployed, living off charity, preaching tolerance, forgiveness, unity, joy, love. Born in a hovel, buried in a borrowed grave leaving many lessons I have yet to learn.

Christmas comes to us all once a year.

The Mighty Fine Snowman

The Mighty Fine Snowman, a short story.

After a particularly big winter storm Snowman was feeling mighty fine, mighty fine. "I'm mighty fine," he said, "Look at how fat and round I am. So well packed. My children did a magnificent job making me. Why, I hardly have a speck of grass stuck to me anywhere. I'm packed so tight I can probably last the whole winter long.

"This is a wonderful scarf they brought me, so red and long, it nearly sweeps the ground with it's fringe, and it wraps around my neck soooo smooth.

"Would you just look at how I gleam in the sun. I sparkle and shine. Yes, I am mighty fine.

"My whole family worked on me, so I must be important. I can tell there were adults here, no child could get me so tall.

"I have boots and mittens, nothing was forgot. My charcoal eyes are the very best. I'm so proud of my rock buttons. My nose is a wonderful, stupendous carrot. Even my hat is fantastic. What an excellent hat, brown is absolutely my color.

"I've heard of a few good snowmen, but me, I'm mighty fine. My, my, my I'm mighty fine."

The mighty fine Snowman almost rocked back and forth he was so pleased with himself. He hummed a little wintry tune as he looked around out of his splendid charcoal eyes, the ones he was so pleased with.

He was surprised when he looked across the yard and saw a Snow Dragon. A Snow Dragon, just lying there sleeping in the sun. "Well, how absurd," he muttered. The Dragon heard, but pretended he didn't.

"Harrumph," harrumphed the Snowman, "There have never been Snow Dragons around here before. How did this happen?"

The Snow Dragon turned his sparkling, crystal eyes (well, I think he turned his eyes) and said in his deep Snow Dragon voice, "Somebody had to make me, for here I am all long and slithery, but not scary at all."

"My scarf is eight feet long," the Snowman bragged.

"Well, my tail is twenty-five feet long," said the Snow Dragon rather smugly. "My children measured me."

"I never particularly liked long tails myself," said the mighty fine Snowman. "Who ever heard of a Snow Dragon. I am most shocked, here in this neighborhood."

The Snow Dragon had been taught to be polite so he answered quite slowly. "There were lots of children here today. They liked (he stressed the word 'liked' a second time) they liked making me. They were very proud of me. They got excited at how big I grew and how well I turned out. I was quite a success."

"Well," said the Snowman, changing the subject, "You don't gleam at all!"

"I got sprayed with colored water," said the Dragon, "Blue and green, even a little violet and magenta here around my spines."

"It looks most odd is all I have to say," said the Snowman, "Most odd," and he looked down at the Dragon again. "Who ever heard of a snow snout so long and low to the ground. Mine is a proper carrot nose--"

"-- I like my snout," said the Dragon, "Just the way it was made. It's over a foot wide." By now the Snow Dragon was getting just a little bit cranky. "I think I'll take a nap," he said, "you tire me out," and with that he closed his large, gleaming, crystal eyes. (Well, I think he closed his eyes.)

"Do as you please," said the Snowman and turned his attention back to his mighty fine self, and tried not to notice the horrid Snow Dragon sleeping like a fifty-foot giant in the neighbor's yard.

"What's that sticking out of your head?" the Snowman couldn't help but ask, his curiosity was just to great.

The Dragon rumbled in his Snow Dragony voice, "One boy gave me some horns. Don't try to make something out of it. I think they are a rather nice touch. Creative, a creative touch."

With his eyes closed the Snow Dragon thought about Mr. Mighty Fine Snowman and tried and tried to think of some way to melt him right down into the ground!

Mr. Snowman wanted to pick his rock buttons off of his chest and chuck them at the Dragon. He huffed and puffed and tried to turn away, but, of course he stayed stuck right where he was.

The Snowman and the Snow Dragon lived next door to each other for a very long time, but the never liked each other, not even on Christmas Day.

The End