On Being Fat

I am fat. By medical standards I am fat, I have been fat, and I will be fat. What can I say; country born, country bred, country fed. The luck of the gene pool, the great cooks in our family, the hearty meals, the celebrations, the crisis'. I think growing up we had potatoes for dessert, well we had plenty of desserts also.

All of my life I felt fat, or bigger. I was bigger than everyone as far back as grade school. Bigger, badder, fatter. I always lost in the battle to lose weight. I have lost enough weight to make several mes. I've gained enough weight to make more mes -- ugh -- there is an ugly thought, more mes walking the earth like some kind of skewed zombie.

My silliest diet was to eat everything Christian ate when he was twelve or so. He ate sparingly or not at all. He ate about every fourth meal, yeah, that didn't last long. Roger started running around twelve and hasn't stopped, partly, I think, because he knows what his mom and grandmother looked like.

Stress, happiness, fear, joy, anxiety, excitement, pleasure, celebrations all can make you gain it. Grief can make you lose it.

The anguish and embarrassment of being fat in our society cannot be over stated. Women struggle with the weight problem almost continuously from puberty north. I suppose men also. The anguish, the embarrassment, the humiliation of being fat cannot be over stated. All the doctrine and dogma that has been preached and was wrong. I'm thinking of the lady who wrote the book about how she gained ten pounds for every diet she went on. That would be our mother. She posed the theory that if there was more body acceptance all along the way that if she could have just accepted herself 150 pounds ago that she never would have kept going.

Being fat is a million, billion dollar industry. Getting us thin; books, Cd's, Curves, Weight Watchers, pills, spas, gyms, fat farms, regimes, meals, programs. Getting us fat is also a million, billion dollar industry. Both are good for the gross national product, but not so good for my Psyche.

What bothers me is the notion of being fat is a sin. The huge national obsession. Being fat hasn't always been out of societies favor. I am surrounded by people obsessed with weight loss. If I thought being thinner would make us happier, kinder or more noble then I would weigh in, so to speak. But here is what I really want to say, yes you will gain some health benefits from thinning, but you will never, never, never change who you are with shedding an ounce.

Acceptance is the key for me; I accept the who and how I am, I'll ask God the why -- when the time comes -- not too soon I hope. I vowed never to diet again, it might have been a sacred vow.


And another thing; I've been handing out a lot of apologies lately. I am totally doing something wrong, so if I owe you an apology here it is.

And another thing; you have to think about finding the perfect coffee cup, it must be the right weight, shape, capacity, feel, heft. Sort of like buying a car, you gotta kick the tires so to speak.

And another thing; all my presents for Connor are abject failures, everything from toy pots and pans to Thomas the Train tents, CRAWL through tents, baby dolls, sand tables, Bigfoot monsters, giant cardboard blocks -- yep, all a bust.

Somebody help. I am fat, talk too much, need a new coffee cup and a failure as a gift-purchasing granny.

However I did watch a wonderful film; Declaration of War, French, it brought tears to my eyes practically from the beginning, mostly because of the touches of family. What would we do without family.