A Life Worth Living

I recently wrote on this blog, January 13th to be exact on a blog entry which is now gone for reasons I can't fathom, "There are a thousand thousand reasons to live this life, everyone sufficient." by Marilynne Robinson from Gilead. I loved that quote from before I was laid off.

What now? The old life is behind me now. I'm developing new rhythms and patterns and I don't even know what my natural patterns are. I need to find out -- slowly. I don't really know what time I like to go to bed, or what time I like to get up. I'm willing to find out, but it has been so long, if ever, maybe never, that my rhythms weren't dictated by outside forces.

Husbands going off to work, I made Lonnie a fried egg sandwich every day for five or six years. I would ask him, "Aren't you tired of fried egg sandwiches?" and he kept saying "No, I'll let you know when I am." Then one day he asked for a bologna sandwich for work which I made for him everyday until the day he died. Then babies, babies, and more babies. Babies can dictate a lot of demands on your rhythms. Husbands, babies, toddlers, school age children, college, work, alarm clocks were the influences for most of my life, not my internal patterns.

How interesting -- learning about what really feels natural.

I can't remember if or when I've taken my medicine, what day the 27th is on. I almost missed Cathy's surgery because I thought the 27th was on a Friday not a Wednesday. Ian and I are passing each other in the hall more, used to I was gone or he was gone. Now it's different. A lot different, and its only been two weeks, not even a full two weeks. I'm spending more time on FB, more time on meal planning, less time on soup for lunches. Less time on grooming, sad to say. More all day PJ time. When do I get up, have breakfast, walk? I walked yesterday, another teeny tiny walk, from the back of the parking lot all the way to Target, all through Target and then back across the parking lot to the car. Not far, but walk I did.

Get more plants, go back to school, travel, vistas and horizons and opportunities surround me.

Most of my myriad tasks have been started, all their engines are running, all their buttons are pushed. Nothing completed mind you, no box ticked off as done and filed away, still dribs and dabs of loose ends, one more call, one more signature, one more cancellation, one more, one more, one more.

Would Jean like to go on another cruise. A drive across America. A trip to New Mexico, Minnesota? See Claire? All are possibilities.

I want to embrace the nobility and meaning of everyday life, the challenge and excitement of discovering the nobility and meaning of everyday life, the rhythms, the sunsets and sunrises, the Wednesday playdate, the well cooked meal. The simple act of living.

A well lived life is in the everyday. Making a fried egg sandwich, soothing a child, going to work, paying bills, it is all satisfying. I read someplace that there is more to life then going to work and paying bills, but really there isn't. A thousand years ago we had to go to work and pay the bills. The bills remain the same, food shelter clothing. We live, we pay.

Before enlightenment we chop wood and carry water, after enlightenment we chop wood and carry water.

New going to bed, getting up, bathing, taking a nap rhythms. Remember to put in hearing aids. Ian brought me a nice bar of soap, a really nice bar of wonderfully linden scented soap (he gets swag from his buying trips). Now I have to go find out what linden actually is -- retirement -- sigh.

I actually managed to stay mostly asleep in my bed till 5 AM this morning. That is mostly success. That might be a rhythm. What now? Same old, same old -- living -- but with new rhythms.

My life has changed before, more than once, and I suppose it will change again, but for now I'm doing the same old, same old. And the beat goes on. Grey skies stay the same, clouds still pass by, weather will come and go, traffic on I-5 remains unchanged, Humans are still born and still die and linden is a tree sometimes called lime tree and sometimes called basswood tree due to the linage of language not because it is related to a lime.

"There are a thousand thousand reasons to live this life, every one sufficient" I love that more now.

Mr Harris Hugged Me.

Mr Harris hugged me and the Sun came out.

The 37 minutes Mr Harris spent with me changed my life forever. He did that with listening, probing, and asking the right questions. Doing his job with grace and kindness.

Kindness is never forgotten.

Mr Harris discovered I was being underpaid with my Social Security benefits. I had signed up wrong. It means the difference of below poverty level to just comfortable.

You may remember him in your prayers tonight.

I walked out in a daze. The Sun was shining. I heard there was a rainbow, but I didn't see it.
I didn't need to see it.
Intelligence, integrity, he said he was just doing his job. The fact that he probed just a bit deeper was of invaluable service to me. Sometimes the right answer isn't the obvious answer floating on the surface. Sometimes it is deeper.

Our very own Mark Harris told me to "progress toward bliss."
Kindness and bliss are much on my mind right now Mark Harris.

"It is better to be kind than to be right." I forget where that quote comes from.

Mr Harris at Social Security was so pleased with himself he came out from behind the bullet proof glass and gave me a hug much to the astonishment of the waiting room crowd. Much to my astonishment.

I believe there is much kindness in the world and not always recognized, noticed or seen. Kindness to children, animals, the elderly, trees. Kindness in listening, helping, giving, serving, appreciating. Kindness doesn't take work. It is just a state of being.

There is a type of kindness that does take a lot of work, if you feed the hungry, adopt a hospice infant, or are an NGO in a hostile location, but it doesn't have to. Kindness doesn't come with baggage. It doesn't have a hidden agenda. It just is.

Some of my deepest regrets are when I failed to be kind.

Forever kindness is a gift we can give the world and forever make it a better place.

And Now It Begins

And now it begins -- with a hicup or two.

Retirement?
Printer is out of ink.
Pharmacy gave me the wrong prescription.
I entered the wrong account number for unemployment benefits.
VCR died.
I only used the beautiful new alarm clock Ian gave me for three weeks.
Depression is seeping in.
I waited 45 minutes to talk to the wrong 401K company.
Insomnia.
I'm running out of dishwasher soap because I'm dirtying more dishes.

Depression is in.
I can't believe how depressed I am. I need to push eight buttons to begin and can't seem to push anyone of them. All of them seem to have a roadblock I need to overcome.

I will overcome them -- I just haven't yet.

My orchid that has been naked for four months, now has two new buds on it.
I've gone on tiny walks three days in a row.
My body doesn't hurt. My smart friend told me all the tension I've been carrying around waiting for Onlineshoes to move to the final destination, is now gone.
I haven't driven on I-5 once in over a week.

My social life is ramping up.
Coffee with Mary.
Playdate with Connor.
The Rusty Pelican with James.
Northgate Mall play area to meet Hope's son. And see Hope.
Meeting friends in the similar situation and with sympathetic vibes.
Friends who understand the spot I am in.
It is all good.

I tell myself, It's okay to do it badly.

New opportunities.
Stephanie sent me a Linkedin list of possible job suggestions: all of them good and some of them I would never have thought of.
Roger had good suggestions, and a few threats.
Mary had good suggestions, and no threats.
Ian brings me nighttime coffee if he is passing our favorite barista before it closes.

Back to Social Security I go for the final piece of my insurance.
Plan D.

Who knew being retired would be such hard work.

My two favorite "hard work" quotes;
The first time I tried hiking up Elk Mountain in The Wichita Wilderness Wildlife Refuge with baby Ian on my back and Christian circling me with energy, excitement, and anticipation an old fellow passed me by and said, "Hard Verk, hard verk." Yep, he had that right.

The second is from the movie Millions where the young boy found lots and lots and lots of money, millions actually. He wanted to do good while his brother wanted to buy investment property. Towards the end, when all seems in shambles, he tells his dad. "Giving it away was hard."

The sun will come out. I'll go to back to SS, I'll complete all my required unemployment obligations and sign up properly. I'll start my clean out campaign, buy some computer ink, get a new VCR, walk, go back to the pharmacy and get the correct apparatus for diabetes monitoring, have some coffee, laugh with a friend, and possibly eat a biscuit. I have already corrected my account number.

One down and several more to go. Well one more to go: I just need to tackle the biggest bug-a-boo;
which Advantage program, which Advantage program, which Advantage program. 

I was told once the only thing you need to overcome depression is walk, talk, and write.
Seems to work for me. New emotional energy is a blessed thing.

That's all.
And a very good morning to you.

And Now It Begins

Retirement -- so far.

It is a whole new world, and now it begins, and I am part of it.

No more 3:30 AM alarm.

No more 50 mile commute.

No more Seattle traffic at all hours.

No more driving in the wind, rain, and fog.

No more $20.00 a day downtown parking.

No more hiking up the hill.

No more clocking in.

No more badges for this access or that.

No more customer problems, uncomfortable chairs, swelling ankles. angry colleagues, malfunctioning headsets or computers, bad break room coffee, Average Handling Time, quality scores, end of year self-reviews.

I thought I was ready for the end. I knew it was coming so no surprises there. I've been saggy, draggy, and la la gaggy. I can't see or hear very well, I was out of effort/energy gas, I hurt pretty much everywhere, I was distracted, sloppy, and pretty much emotionally exhausted. 

In my mind I was already gone.

~Instead~

I've been downright teary. 

It is a whole new world and I'm trying to be brave. 

No more employment.

No more money.

Retirement?

Day 1 -- not bad.

Insurance -- Social Security Office, I couldn't find a parking spot. Since it was the day after MLK Day the place was teaming. I could find a spot two blocks away, but with all the congestion inside I decided I would come back the next day. After all I am semi-retired, right?

Health -- I took a walk at the Light House Park. Not too the Light House Park but at the Light House Park. I didn't walk far but I did walk. Roger told me if I actually went to the park and got out of the car it was a successful trip. Sometimes my children are wise asses.

Beauty -- I wanted to admire the park, the water, the ferry, the mountains. All things I love. An emotional pick-me-up so to speak. 

Self-care --- haircut.

Nourishment -- QFC.

Starbuck's -- Starbuck's chai tea just because, well because it's Starbuck's and I'm semi-retired. 

I gassed up my car, signed up for un-employment, studied Social Security some more. That's when I discovered I needed one more document for SS. That's when my boss called and said I needed to come back downtown and sign the severance package. Had a cup of coffee at 7:00 PM -- whooo, I discovered it is the wild life for me. 

Day 2 -- not horrible.

The drive downtown was not crawl downtown. I left late enough, after all I'm semi-retired, that I missed the worst early day traffic soup. Signed the papers that needed signed, said good-bye to a few folks I missed the day before, said good-bye a second time to a few more folks, wandered around looking for the HR person who would complete my document that I needed for SS. Got the said document and took off North to go to SS. Did you know that on Wednesday's SS closes at noon. I was fifteen minutes late. Had a cup of coffee at 7:00 PM -- wow this is wonderful.

Day 3 -- Drove back to SS in the fog, in the rain, in the wind, early so I could get a parking spot. Third time is the charm, great I though! I waited to get inside, waited to sign in, waited to talk to the unsmiling agent who looked at me suspiciously. Squirming in my dripping coat my brain died and I forgot to ask some pertinent questions. Had a cup of coffee at 7:00 PM -- I detect a pattern here.

Day 4 -- I am NOT going back to SS today. My questions can wait until I regroup.

What now? Slow down -- I have the rest of my life to complete SS tasks, sign up for all my insurance needs, finish studying the SS info book, studying the SS website, continue trying to understand Parts A, B, C, D, Gap, Advantage and miscellaneous other aspects of being semi-retired. Yikes and Yuck. 

It was with great pleasure I threw away my decrepit pink lunch bag. No more packing lunches. 

My semi-retired goals; clear out my condo, improve health: walk, diet, get off pills. No more wishing I had the time and energy to start tossing things out. No more thinking of work schedules first. This semi-retirement stuff just might work out.

Facebook wisdom:

Have you ever noticed how people on FB take all kinds of silly/fun tests? When it comes to a test to determine alter egos I've noticed we all want to be a little bit rascally. We want to be bandits, pirates, dark souls. No one wants Opie or Aunt Bee as alter egos, we want Jack Sparrow, Darth Vader. We want to be a little bit bad, I guess to show our uniqueness to the world. We want some color in our ancestors, in our backgrounds, in our past lives. We want to claim the villain, the crown prince, the cattle rustler.  Somehow serf, slave, farmer, preacher, teacher just doesn't carry the same cache. Interesting. 

I also want to discover the internet. I do so little on the internet and other folks delve in deep and wide. Why am I so scared of it will someone tell me please? Well, besides the fact that once I downloaded some Super Heroes coloring pages for Connor and also downloaded a boat load of malware. Killed the computer, had to buy a new one, I'm on the cautious side now. No more having to pass on computer classes because they are offered on Tuesday and Thursday at 11:00 AM or Saturday seminars from 8:00 until 3:00. Or night time classes. I am now available. No more going to bed early, by golly I can stay up until 9:00 PM if I want to.

"Working hard for something we don't care about is call stress., working hard for something we love is called passion." 

I also want to release my creative beast. No more working hard for shoes.

"In the end we will conserve only what we love. We will love only what we understand. We will understand only what we are taught." 

I think I will learn something new. My first choice would be learn to drive a ferry, but I don't think the State of Washington will teach me that. Second choice would be travel to the moon, nah, I don't see that happening either. Any suggestions? I remember when Nora asked this question. Good question. I wonder how hard it is to become a barista?

I think I will take more naps. No more not napping at work.

Read a book. 

Watch a movie. I have Braveheart and Amy waiting.

I cooked a really nice FB recipe for Chicken Lemon Penne, very light with the lemon and very good.

When Jean sent me the dried corn, I remembered Janice said Jacquie makes a really good corn casserole, so I search on the internet and found a very yummy recipe for a corn casserole. I keep meaning to ask Jacquie for hers now that I have the time to do-doddle around with such worthy endeavors. Tal any new good recipes for me to try? Not ones for Julia's special diet but still healthy-ish. 

Remember the Book Challenge? Well the new book challenge book, since my eyes are cast forward, is: A book set in the future. I'm not sure which one I will choose, surely I have a book set in the future around here somewhere. 

I've turned my eyes to the future. It is a new world and I'm trying to be brave. I am a little scared, a little reflective, a little nostalgic, a little excited, a little engaged in the soft feelings of retirement -- dust to dust. 

Day 4 continued -- I think I will go to the store and buy some veggies. If it stops raining I will take a walk, a very small walk. I will have a cup of coffee this evening. I can't tell you how much I have enjoyed that evening cup of coffee. No more problems with caffeine keeping me awake. Insomnia doesn't matter anymore.

Sunrises and Sunsets don't change. Connor is still adorable. Sons are still sons. Ian is ramping up his help mom campaign. Family and friends are still sweet and sympathetic.  

I think I will have a good life or die smiling.

2015 becomes 2016

On this first day of 2016 I was a good Jan. I started the new year properly. I got up and weighed, took my blood pressure, blood sugar, medicine, breathing treatment, all the little bits to properly monitor my health. This was a signal to me and the new year beginning that I am prepared to forge ahead health wise. I felt a small satisfied moment, very small, when I realized 2016 will be a good year because I can't get any worse. "The only way," as the saying goes, "Is up".

The last day of 2015 was a good day for Jan. One of my favorite kind of days, a three son day. A perfect kind of day. Ian had the day off and was messing about. Roger was having his truck looked at by our resident mechanic, so I drove to Christian's shop to pick up Roger and Connor. Boom, boom, boom  and done and done and done.

Roger and Connor hung out for most of the day. Connor helped me bake a cake, clean off his toy shelves, and ask me a million questions, sorry a million and one questions. I introduced him to two more or less classic movies: Horton Hears a Who and Where the Wild Things Are. When I asked him if he had seen the movie WTWTA, he said "No, but I read the book." Spoken like a true progeny of mine.

I don't think 2016 will be much different from 2015.
I'll keep on quoting stuff: "Exhaustion of passion is the beginning of wisdom." Lost Horizons.
I'm not going to argue much.
I'll still spout bits of philosophy: "We aren't here for long and we aren't alone." Yes, you are passionate about your beliefs, but we have 7 billion other people to take into account also. Your commute through life isn't the only one. Yes, you are smart, but you didn't earn that. It was an accidental gift from the gene pool. Just say thank you.

A friends daughter was killed last Sunday in a car accident. She had three teen age children. The overwhelming loss feels staggering. Compassion and love and caring pours out and much of it directed at my own life, my own children, grandson, friends, family. An intense reminder of what is important.

On my death bed I don't think I am going to wish I had cleaned more, loved less.

I want to keep on learning and being surprised by life. I went trolling online for some Cope's Dried Corn. My beginning search was "Indian Dried Corn" and I was promptly directed to Asian/India cooking. Nope. Back I went to refine my search and added "American Indian Dried Corn." Still nothing, except all the decorative fall dried corn stuff  you find in craft shops showed up, and how American Indians made hominy. Then out of the corner of my eye I spied the word Cope's and remembered that was the brand name. Well, here is the surprise. Native American Indian Dried Corn soup is made with Pennsylvania Dutch/Amish dried corn. Ain't that a kick in the pants? I learned something and it surprised the heck out of me.

Family is starting to query about visiting. My favorite kind of chit chat. 2016 is wide wide open and looking for company.

If you are planning a trip to Washington please bring me some Cope's Dried Corn. I haven't gone to the big wazoo grocery store yet to try to find it locally. All though I had been looking for the spice packet to make pulled pork for years and had looked at all the wazoo groceries then SURPRISE, I found it at the corner market convenience store less than 1/4 of a mile away. Ain't that a kick in the pants?

But if you happen to take this road less traveled and you happen to bring some Cope's Dried Corn all the way to the Pacific Northwest that would make my 2016 better than 2015.

Here is to your 2016 and what ever makes it better -- or not.
Life doesn't have to be lived with big stuff all the time, smaller quieter moments count also.

I asked Connor what he liked better Star Wars or Legos. After a long thoughtful pause he concluded: combined he would have to say Legos, but not combined it is Star Wars all the way. Egad he is smart, thank you gene pool where ever/whoever you are.