Sadness Crept in like Fog

"There is an old saying that if you're worried about your weight, your clothes or getting old, then you have nothing to worry about." From Miss Dreamsville and the Collier County Women's Literary Society.

Sadness engulfs me like fog. I know the fragility of life, pursuits, plans. I know nothing lasts forever. There are fires -- ask Jeff,  pain -- ask Jerry, death -- ask The Daley Family.  I know into every life sadness must come. Sadness travels around the world and visits rich and poor, young and old, male and female.

"Life is not easy to live and learn, sometimes it is very painful, but pain makes a person think, thought makes a person wise and wisdom makes life endurable." Is this true? I think it might help.

There are huge stories I don't always understand that makes me sad; fires in Brazil, 150 car pile-ups in Texas, hurricanes in Louisiana, some from stupidity, some from intent, some from nature. My head is full of the the way a world works and wars. Greed, guns, child soldiers, business as usual.

I wanted to know what "insurgent" meant --precisely. Why are some folks patriots and some not. WOW is there a lot of information on; insurgents, transnational insurgency, counter-insurgents, belligerents, terrorist, guerrillas, revolution, rebellions, wars, brigandry, lawful and unlawful combatants, subversion, coups, piracy, raids, ambushes, security gaps, and the clash of civilizations, and no precise definition. Lots of theories though. The Art of War through the ages Biblical to Mali.

It is too much for me so to lighten my load I turned to Woody Allen:

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
I do the movies just for myself like an institutionalized person who basket-weaves. Busy fingers are happy fingers.
The two biggest myths about me are that I'm an intellectual, because I wear these glasses, and that I'm an artist because my films lose money.
To you, I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition

 'Everyone knows the same truth.' Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it. One person will distort it with a kind of wishful thinking like religion, someone else will distort it by thinking political solutions are going to do something, someone else will think a life of sensuality is going to do it, someone else will think art transcends. Art for me has always been the Catholicism of the intellectuals.

Most of life is tragic. You're born, you don't know why. You're here, you don't know why. You go, you die. Your family dies. Your friends die. People suffer. People live in constant terror. The world is full of poverty and corruption and war and Nazis and tsunamis. The net result, the final count is, you lose - you don't beat the house.

Your perception of time changes as you get older, because you see how brief everything is. You see how meaningless ... I don't want to depress you, but it's a meaningless little flicker.

I think what I'm saying is that I'm really impotent against the overwhelming bleakness of the universe and that the only thing I can do is my little gift and do it the best I can, and that is about the best I can do, which is cold comfort.

Life is full of misery, loneliness and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

You see those ancient ruins and you're hyper-aware of the fact that thousands of yeas ago, there was a civilization that was mighty, the most dominant civilization in the world, and how glorious it must have been. And now it's a couple of bricks here and a couple of bricks there, and someone's sitting on the bricks eating their sandwich.

I try to encourage my children musically and guide them cinematically, but my opinion ... I represent the Old World, the Europe from which they took boats to escape.

What you're left with, in the end, are very grisly, unpleasant facts. The universe is flying apart at breakneck speed as we're sitting here.

Maybe I shouldn't have turned to Woody Allen.

Scottish saying: "There's g'aye few like us...and they're all dead."

Shoes as a Metaphor for Life

When Bob was an artiste in Southern California he and his artist friends used to joke that if they failed as artist they could always go sell shoes in Oklahoma, har, har, har. And then, guess what, he did sell shoes in OK. Remember those made in Mexico Sanduk (sp) shoes?

Remember when Ian smuggled 18 pair of shoes to Greenleaf for the reunion? I had given a limit on what he could take so he hid the rest. Remember when Ian had many identical pairs of navy blue Keds in different states of wear? Now it is 18 pair of flip flops.

Roger began his work career selling shoes at a couple of different stores in Oklahoma and here I am ending my career selling shoes in Seattle.

Remember Amber's prescription shoes and how thrilled she was when she got her first non-perscription pair of sandals.

There are Italian handmade shoes, wooden clogs, cowboy boots, space boots, and I won't even go to China with the bound feet and shoes. Talk about a metaphor. Broken shoes sometimes feels like a flat tire, it keeps you from going. Did you ever ease into some slippers at the end of a hard day for that ah feeling? That's what I am talking about.

Christmas at our place this year was an affair of shoes. Every since Connor was born I have wanted to get him some Ugg boots but was too cheap to pluck down the $60.00 for infant Uggs. Well he isn't an infant anymore, so he received his Ugg boots, Stephanie her Ugg slippers, Roger's was running shoes, Christian some Merrells from their barefoot collection, Bo a pair of charming black pumps and Ian some Steve Madden dress shoes and a pair of trendy Clarks desert boots. And I mean trendy, I can't tell you how many pair of these I sold over the Christmas season.

Are you barefoot or shod? Dancing shoes, Cinderella's slipper, The Red Shoes, Kinky Boots, barefoot, stilettos, running shoes -- all tell a story. Bad shoes can ruin the best outfit and good shoes can make a bad outfit look good. Success starts at your feet.

I heard about a movie made on the streets of a Venezuelan barrio made by a slum kid with a super cheap camera, all gangster and guns, and it became something of an Internet hit. So badly made and so badly shot and so badly acted that the government thought it was recording real events instead of imagined. This information made me realize my world is too small.

So I was going to have lunch with a friend and was trying to notice new things. I saw the Verve Ballroom -- who knew. And the LGL Hydroponic store. The what? Waiting for my friend I pondered the different ways to make my world bigger. New places musically, mentally, creatively, new eyes, new roads, I am traveling to sunny Southern in a few weeks, but somehow I don't think this counts.

I am never going to visit a Venezuelan slum so I guess I will have to find a different medium to enlarge my world --  and the shoes to go with.

Whether for style, health, comfort, or travel make sure you have the right shoes.

ps My Connor story: He had uttered the dread words, "Granny play with me" so we had a toy box that he had received for his b-day and I put my finger on the words and read, "Batman and Batcycle." He put his fingers on the words and pretended to read,"Batcar with wings that flies through the air and crashes penguin...." it was quite a story he read with his little finger. I'm a good granny so I didn't argue and we kept playing. About five or ten minutes later he said, "Granny, I think you are right it does say 'Batman and Batcycle.'" I love that boy.

Okay, so I might have been wrong!

Okay, so I might have been wrong, here is a tidbit I read that says you CAN change who and what you are. They are all good guidelines except for maybe number 7. Love to all

The 10 Best Qualities in Any Person

By Cathryn Conroy

Who you are as a person isn't frozen in stone. You can change--for better or worse.

If you want to be a better person--or a better spouse, parent, friend or employee--it could be a simple matter of adopting the right traits. Based on numerous Internet discussions and lessons learned from life, here are the top 10 best qualities for any person.

1. Be honest

Honesty is a way of life. It means you don't steal, you don't cheat on your taxes and you are faithful to your spouse. Here's a quick test to determine your level of honesty: You give a cashier $10 for a magazine, candy and soft drink. The tab comes to $8.15. Instead of giving you $1.85 in change, she gives you $10.85. That is, instead of a $1 bill, you get a $10 bill. You notice it immediately. What do you do?

 

2. Be happy

It's not about money, looks or status. Being genuinely grateful for what you have and looking forward to the dawn of each day can make you feel a kind of happiness that is contagious.

 

3. Be respectful of others

When you treat others as you would like to be treated, you are showing the ultimate kind of respect

 

4. Be easygoing and fun

As the old saying goes, "Live, laugh, love." Slow down from life's frantic pace and have fun--whether it's an unscheduled day playing hooky from your responsibilities or just a few minutes respite from the grind.

 

5. Be confident

Once you accept there is always someone out there who is better than you, you can realize your own abilities. Be confident in what you can--and cannot--do.

 

6. Be emotionally open

Be open and honest with those you love. Express your opinions and listen to theirs without criticizing.

 

7. Be disciplined

No one is watching over your shoulder when you slack off--except you. Self-discipline means you have a finely tuned sense of ethics, of what is right and what is wrong, and you act accordingly. You are strong enough to say no to life's many temptations, from food to drugs to illicit sex.

 

8. Take pride in yourself

While too much pride can be seen as sinful, we all need to feel some pride in who we are, where we live and what we do. That kind of pride helps define who you are in your world.

 

9. Be compassionate

Being empathic to the needs of others and doing good deeds to ease others' suffering is one of the most basic acts of kindness and goodness we accomplish as human beings.

 

10. Have a sense of humor

You have to be able to laugh, especially at yourself. There is humor in almost every situation. You just have to find it. And laughing is almost always better than crying.

How Good It Feels To Be Alive

What a great beginning to 2013: alive and well and living in Seattle.

I was trying to reminisce on the highs and lows of 2012 and thought gee there aren't any, not really. I had exquisite moments with my family, sons, sons dinners, grandson, friends, travel, book club, a customer or two, but no real highs or lowly lows. Just life and just life is enough.

A baby new year doesn't need sparks and flash to be good; it needs grandchildren laughing, a few wayward roads, unexpected compliments from unexpected sources, a bed, a roof, a meal or two or three or four, well you understand. It needs wolves in the wild and fish in the sea. It needs connection to other human beings. It needs reunions and sunny weather a bit of rain and a car that starts every morning. It needs cousins in Texas and biscuits cooking. It needs brothers and sisters and birthdays. It needs all the regular routines of life, yours, mine and ours. Alive, alive is all it needs to be good.

A few highs I recall of other family members would be Marc starting his own business. Christian finding Bo, Ian's new position, Tal's retirement, and all the wonders of every ones life that I can't recall. Games won, miles walked/ran, drivers license obtained, new home, new jobs, jobs that were saved. For me it was much more routine.

So here is to 2013 -- may it be good -- with highs lows and routine.

I'll Do It Until God Tells Me Not To

I read the phrase "A Year of Living With Yourself" and asked myself aren't we always living with ourselves? What's this year stuff?

I heard a woman say, after a successful thirty year career, "I really need to take time to focus on my children." Huh? What was she doing all those years before.

How many times have you heard someone say "Now I'm going to live for me."

I don't know about you, but I can't suddenly become someone else, somehow else, a new improved version of me. I've lived with myself, as myself, as far back as my memory goes. Sometimes I cringe at those memories, they weren't always, shall we say, elevated, but they are all mine, not dictated. I've loved myself, hated myself, expressed my joy, my pain, my highs my lows. I've been proud, embarrassed, and sometimes I've whispered close to the sublime.

Being yourself isn't self-centered or selfish, it's all we can be even if we pretend it's not. I can't be you, you can't be me any more than we can be a mountian or a squid, we are our own unique combination of molecules and experiences. We hit the ground at birth and continue on as ourselves in spite of all our self-improvement or theories about self improvement.

Pundits and critics abound with opinions about your life and the way you are living it, but that is all it is, opinions. Opinions don't live in the trenches with us as we hobble through our days and years. Opinions don't live in our DNA. Including this opinion.

Those milestone years, 30, 40, 50, 60, don't know about 70 yet, where people want to own who they are -- is a myth. Sorry, it doesn't work that way. You are all you have ever been. If you know me then you have probably heard me say: I've been young and old, fat and thin, rich and poor, married and single, right and left coaster, sick and healthy, but I have never changed, can't change. I have always been who and what I am, I have always been artsy, liberal, lived on the fringe, and any and all the other adjectives that make up a picture of me. Nothing, nothing, nothing changes who you are. You might be more or less exposed, more or less happy, more or less anything, but the good and bad news is you are always you.

So I will continue to be me until God tells me not to
and punches my lights out.
That is the way it works.


Now on a different note: An Ode to Jerry:

Twas the night after Christmas and all through the house
My bones creaking so loud I woke up the mouse
The cane was close by, close by my chair
I had high hopes of discarding it after the new year
I no longer could snuggle down in my bed
So many pain pills dancing in my head
Off to the doctor I go once again
Jane is beside me my needs to attend
It's a mystery, a puzzle, a quandary to boot
A pain in the back is trouble galoot
Wait and see said the doctor, doctor number three
But for now we need to just let it be
So here I am, doubled over with a cane
My life continues pretty much just the same
The kids had their Christmas in spite of the ice
Jane's and mine also was pretty darn nice
Until this get fixed I'll continue to hobble
Now that Christmas is over and New Year on the 'morrow
It's no fun going to pieces part by part
I just wanted to say that from the bottom of my heart
And is case you are wondering about my mood
I can still say to myself  -- Life Is Good.

May we all keep on living until God punches our light out.
Love, Jan

A Bigger Picture

News flash; Kate Middleton is pregnant.
We had our first slushy snow and then another and maybe one more.
I can now work from home during snow. Two yeahs.
I'm a lazy Christmas shopper -- shoes and t-shrts -- that's about my style.


Ian was offered a good job at an English as a Second Language school as a registrar. It was a long hard thoughtful process, but he finally decided to accept the new position with all of it's challenges and benefits. He really loves Something Silver but felt drawn to the new horizon and opportunities, however when he tendered his resignation to Something Silver (he has worked there for ten years) they, after a long hard thoughtful process created a new position just for him.

After the new year he will merchandise all nine of their stores with a few other obligations thrown in; inventory, buying, and occasionally moving furniture, just like a man-of-the-cave. He is much more excited about the creative direction his life has turned instead of collecting funds and academia. He will have to start traveling to Florida, California, Oregon and of course Washington. He has  many new and some slightly scary activities in front of him -- and a raise.


After four years I finally lost that dern wobbly front tooth. The one the dentist wanted to pull along with all my other front teeth about four years ago, but I resisted. Now I am faced with a decision; do I succumb to vanity or stay practical and cavalier. How much do I want to spend and how much do I care -- for a tooth? A tooth won't make me any smarter dumber, or cuter for that matter, since I have pretty much passed the cute stage anyway. A tooth won't make me younger or stop the world from ending. Aren't I of an age and temperament that I can not give a flip? Yeah, I think so too.


Bo is traveling to Florida to be with friends for two weeks over Christmas holiday. As much as I want her to enjoy and experience the holiday I will sorely miss her not being around -- so we are having a small bon  voyage Christmas get together this Saturday evening. A soup and sandwiches sort of evening.

Connor has discovered the power of "Donalds, Donalds, Donalds.
I want Donalds" mantra.
Cute when it isn't your kid.
All of my Christmas shopping is complete.
All of Connor's Christmas gifts from me crash.
That boy does like a good crash.

My send cards project has been successful for two months.
Only ten months to go.

I watched Collin Firth perform naked in a movie last night, A Single Man, and wondered if Taylor has performed naked yet. Anyone know?

Jerry how are you feeling?
Brittany looks back to normal.
Tal's been fixed.
Nora, do you have a roommate or house guest?
The Taylor Christmas breakfast has come and gone.
Any one thinking of 2013 reunion yet?
Will Amber and Mark make their Valentine trip to Greenleaf?
Ray McLain wants to come to reunion next year.
I tried to book a cabin and they laughed at me.
Jeff says he is only bringing a suitcase, chairs
and a goodie box to reunion next year.
Janice's birthday is just around the corner and I am booked.

May your Christmas encompass all the moments of love and affection that turns a meal and gifts into something bigger...

... and may the crooked path of life lead you to wondrous places.

Kids and Christmas

Christmas comes to us all once a year! My favorite Christmas song by Mahalia Jackson.

Christmas in retail makes you sag just a little, so I'm basking in the glow of kids and Christmas. Kids and Christmas and noisy toys. Of hugs and "I love yous." Of trips to Santa and toy catalogs. Of parties and feasting and joy.

I'm also pondering the sadness of children struggling to breath, fighting cancer, mending from broken bones, homes, hearts. The young ones where Christmas is of secondary concern -- or beyond concern entirely. I'm thinking of all those gifts bought with no longer a child to receive.

Christmas touches those deep places. Deep in our heart where goodness resides. Where faith resides. Where love resides. Where compassion resides. Secular or spiritual Christmas comes to us all once a year. It is a weighty moment in the yearly cycle of our life.

I just watched the movie Jesus of Nazareth by Franco Zeffirelli a powerful retelling of the timeless story. Jesus: uneducated, homeless, unemployed, living off charity, preaching tolerance, forgiveness, unity, joy, love. Born in a hovel, buried in a borrowed grave leaving many lessons I have yet to learn.

Christmas comes to us all once a year.